A communication framework that allows you to share your feelings and build an authentic, introspective connection with your partner and with yourself.
In the following words, I would like to share with you my teaching, counseling, and writing experience of some 18 years. I want to explain,”how to love.”
Before I explain how to love we must agree on what love is.As a result, I will explain, mistakes related to love and will then explain what my concept of true love is.
Over the years, I have found this method of loving to be of enormous help. I have aided husbands and wives, parents and children, boyfriends and girlfriends, teachers, and any person who wishes to come into contact with himself and his own feelings.
I trust that it will be a great aid to you in becoming a great lover.
Many books have been written on the theory of love. Among them, I highly recommend Fromm’s “Art of Loving”. My initial explanation shares many of Dr. Fromm’s ideas, which I personally and professionally have come to regard very much.
I would like to dedicate this small booklet to those whom I have helped by explaining its contents.
May you, my reader, be one of them!
The human need for love
Everyone, each individual, realizes he is lonely. He feels within himself as separateness. This ” not having it all together” can be overcome uniquely by love.
Man is a lonely being. Unlike an animal, he human does not blindly follow his instincts. He knows within himself that something is amiss. Theologians make call this “Original Sin”. Whatever name you may apply to it, you know within yourself that you get mad when you do not want to, you go after things, people, food when you do not want to. You feel and not “at-one-ness” within yourself.
The results of this loneliness are anxiety, shame, and guilt. You may use other words. You might not like the ring of these words. But you feel their reality. As you face yourself, if you feel anxious because you do not feel in command of yourself. You feel that this is not right, but something is wrong: this is a feeling of shame. You, consequently, feel guilty because of these anxieties and shame. You’re not at one with yourself and therefore experience the worries, the shames, and the gilts consequently thereon.
Mistakes in overcoming the separateness.
Many seek ways of overcoming this aloneness by wrong paths. They will search for union through either:
- Interpersonal unions
- False personal unions
Interpersonal unions
Interpersonal unions do not overcome loneliness, though many think that they do. The mere physical presence of another does not overcome your feelings of loneliness.
The protection and warmth of an individual to his mother leaves each separated and alone. Many adults explicitly, or much more often implicitly, continue living as though they were longing for the protection warmth of their mothers woumbs. Not only can they not get back to the situation, but even if they could, the woumb would not give them surcease from their aloneness.
This searching for and overcoming of loneliness through Mommy’s warmth is not far-fetched. Just think within yourself of the many people whom you have called, “Babies”. Remember the number of times that you have said, “I wish you would grow up.” Consider the frequency of the occasions on which you have curled into a fetal position as you went to sleep!
False personal unions
The next mistake in trying to overcome loneliness by mere physical presence may not be apparent without thought, but, I have encountered it often enough to mention it. It is an attempt to become one with the animals. What I mean is an attempt to overcome loneliness by putting on animal masks or participating in rights which allow us to think that we are at one with nature and consequently with ourselves. Perhaps a simple example of what is meant here is Halloween.(I am not condemning Halloween). I am saying that it is an attempt in the USA to overcome our loneliness by donning masks. It, of course, lasts only that night. It, of course, does not overcome our separateness anymore than any attempt to become one with nature.
Impersonal unions to not overcome the loneliness which we experience. Neither does conformity.
A group conformity, exemplified by our labor unions or Communism’s uniformity, leads the individual separated. Everyone within the group may have what everyone else has, but he remains separated within himself. He is not in peace just by belonging to a group. I am condemning neither labor unions or communism; I am stating that they cannot overcome a person’s loneliness.
Many seek relief from their feelings of anxiety, shame, guilt through status symbols, “Having what the Jones have”, equality “I will get my rights”, or a 9-to-5 routine. None of these things overcome the experienced need of freedom from aloneness. All you have to do is reflect on having status symbols and you will know that you do not feel any more at peace with yourself even though you have them. Equality or getting what belongs to you leaves you just as perplexed within yourself as not having your ” rights”. And finally, a routine of 9-to-5 is not the way to go about liberating yourself from your own feelings of not being one with yourself.
Some people deceive themselves by trying to find peace through creative activity. This, in itself, as we shall see, contains the productivity needed for love; but, it is deceptive since creative activity may be impersonal and therefore leave a person alone. An author may write a novel just to please himself. He may, then, find that the goals of this life are really himself. He will then be back right where he started–experiencing the bitter loneliness of shame, anxiety and guilt from which he started. Creative activity which is impersonal is doomed to leave a personal alone within himself.
Symbiotic union
The final mistake in overcoming loneliness which I often encounter is a symbiotic union. Two people think that just by having bodies alongside one another will overcome their separateness. The two people really have a relation of child to parent or sometimes of mother to fetus. They deceive themselves.
One of the people is more the submissive type. He does whatever the other demands of him. He is giving more to being masochistic, dependent, withdrawn, dominated. He/she is assuredly not overcoming the aloneness which she experiences.
The other person is more dominating. He rules. He cracks the whip. He’s more the sadistic type. And, of course, he too is not at one with himself. He is not at peace.
I have encountered many marriages based on these two unions. The husband may be demanding, domineering, rule setting. The wife may be submissive, passive, yielding. Each is separated from the other. That is nothing but a master slave relationship. Both are lonely and filled with anxiety shame and guilt.
Mistakes in overcoming aloneness are frequent and very common. If you do not think that you fall under one or another of many of the above, please take some time to reflect. Interpersonal unions–an individual two mother, group to nature, conformity in labor unions or status symbols–and symbiotic unions are encountered by me daily. Admit to yourself if you do! Find yourself thinking, “Oh if only I had this, I would be at peace…… Oh, if I can only go to bed with him, I’d be so happy… “if so, if you’re searching for the answer to your aloneness within yourself in the wrong path. Love and love alone is the answer to true peace, to not being separated in yourself.
Love
Only love overcomes the experience of separateness which every human, upon reflection, knows.
By “love“ I mean the active power of giving of two persons, in which union each person maintains his own integrity.
I would like to explain this description of “love”.
Love is the active power of giving. What do I mean by “active? “. “Active” is not a “having to do” influenced by pride, envy, jealousy etc. “Active” is the use of my abilities, perhaps only my thinking and willing abilities, “Active” is a putting into productivity of my talents– Although I may never move from my desk. Certainly, it would include other things. I choose the example of sitting at a desk in order to point out that “active” need not be running around. It can be that. It need to be no more than a productive activity.
Love is the active power of giving of two persons. What do I mean by “giving?” By “giving”, I do not mean a giving up or sacrifice so that suffering becomes synonymous with love. [not that there’s not suffering in loving]. By “giving” I mean an overflow of my powers that is, by reflection, joyful. I have something to give. I can enjoy my “having too much”. Simple examples of giving maybe joy, interest, humor, sadness. I “give” for example, when I share a joke with someone. I “give” when I am sad with someone. I “give” when I am sad with someone over some death in the family. I “give” when I share my overflow of “something”.
Also keep in mind, that active receiving is really a “giving”. The person who actively accepts my gift is truly giving. In a sexual relationship based on love, perhaps the man is the more active; but, the woman is also actively giving. He gives his sperm; she loves by giving her vagina. Each is giving.
A famous author once wrote to– to summarize my description of love, “There is little in life worth the ware of winning, save laughter and the love of friends”.
So important is love!
A human needs love to overcome his separateness with himself. Nothing else works. No other union achieves this piece. Love– giving actively while retaining your own integrity– you will experience the release of your anxiety, shame, and guilt. You will be at peace. You will see in the next chapters the five requirements of love.
The Requirements of Love
Love has five requirements:
- Personality development
- Care
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Knowledge
Personality development
A person may want to give, i.e. to use an active power of giving of one person to another while each remain an integral individual. He may however be so narcissistic that he is practically incapable of giving.
What is narcissism? An example may explain better. The person telephones my office he says that he would like to see me as soon as possible. I explain that I am booked solid Lee until midnight on this particular day. I can arrange for an appointment the following morning. He responds, “but, I live only five minutes away from your office”.
Traits of narcissism are found in all of us. If we live completely or even predominantly by it, we cannot love. We cannot produce for others. We cannot actively give.
The first requirement of loving is that a person to be a productive person. He must be able to give to others– but, not for himself – but for them. It is, of course, true that we never lose all traits of narcissism. The more, however, we try to love, the more productive and we will become. Love will give us the peace we desire–although do not love in order to be at peace. Otherwise, you would be being narcissistic.
Care
“Care” is not a curiosity. It is not the taking apart of someone in order to see how they tick – it is not having to know all about someone.
Rollo May wrote an entire book describing love is caring. It is certainly one of the qualities of requirements for loving. “Care” is a true interest in another person– for the other person’s sake. It is a wanting to be of help, of assistance because I truly do have this interest in someone–whoever he/ she may be.
“Care” is an interest in someone for the sake of that someone.
Responsibility
“Responsibility” is admitting that I am “My brother’s keeper”. That does not mean that I swallow up the other person. It does mean that I am responsible for him, for his growing up, for his having food, for whatever I can give him. I cannot walk the street, see someone hurt, and pass by – If I wish to love.
An active giving of someone to another requires that I admit that I am responsible for the vagrant, the derelict, the lost person. It may be that my responsibility is to help him help himself. It may be that my responsibility is to see that he learns things, but he grows up.
But, the requirements of love is to admit that I am responsible. I cannot walk through the world footloose, carefree, without responsibility– If I wish actively to give to any person.
Respect
“Respect” is ultimately admitting that another is a person. In our days of prejudice, that is very important. “Respect” does not require me to say that he’s always right. It does require me to admit that he has a right to be wrong “As I see it”. He is a person. As such, he can disagree with me, can see things differently, can act in ways of which I do not approve.
“Respect” means that I admit he is a person. I therefore respect his rights to his own way of living, of thinking, of having this or that prejudice – of being wrong [from where I sit].
The quality of love which is described by “respect” comes to admitting that the other is a person, real human being, and individual with his own ways of looking at things, of doing things, of morality. I may not agree. I do respect him, however, not merely for his opinions and thoughts– but because he is a person!
Knowledge
By “knowledge” I mean assuredly intellectual knowledge but also an emotional knowledge.
Intellectual knowledge
Intellectual knowledge is coming to know someone better. I have learned in my counseling experiences that people are beautiful. I can think of no quirk which I have not encountered in these tens of thousands of hours of counseling. Incest, homosexuality, masturbation, obsessions, adultery – All of these, I have met. Each person– whatever his situation – was and is beautiful.
I believe that it is true that the deeper the understanding of the vagaries of human nature, the more understanding is the person [The lover] towards all. He becomes more tolerant. Heis beginning to realize that love first admits that the other is a person. Then, he can give to others– With all the quirks which the other has–as the other is. The one may not like those particular qualities, but he can love the person with them.
By intellectual knowledge, a person comes to a deeper– always deeper– appreciation of the one whom he is loving. He is new today. He’s not the same as yesterday. I do not know his thoughts, his ideas– No matter how well I do know him.
Far last do I know his feelings. And, this is the second type of knowledge– emotional knowledge
Emotional Knowledge
You know how quickly moment by moment, your own feelings change. So too, to those of the person you’re trying to love. Allow yourself to feel his feelings. Try to feel as he does. Open yourself to his emotions. Become a sponge to them. No, this is not all that love is. But, it is a very important part of it.
It is becoming empathetic with the other person. It is the quality of knowledge, one of the qualities of love, which allows you to feel with the other, to share his emotions, to know his passions, pleasures, sadness, disappointments.
Emotional knowledge is the requirement of love it is not all that love is. But, it is an important part of loving.
I developed an easier way (a memory device) so that my students could more easily remember four of the qualities of love. The memory device is Kansas City Railroad.
Kansas City Railroad K.C.R.R.
K.C.R.R. is the way to remind yourself of the four qualities of love.
- “K” stands for knowledge.
- “C” stands for care.
- “R” stands for responsibility.
- “R” stands for respect.
With these four qualities[Kansas City Railroad], a the person has the requirements to love. Without them, he will never be a lover.
With them, he will be actively giving to a person with care [interest], knowledge [feeling with the other and learning about him], responsibility open bracket he is the other persons rather and keeper], and, respect [the other has the right to be wrong because he’s a person].
Love is the active giving of a person to a person with (1) knowledge; (2) care; (3) respect; (4) responsibility.
The Ways of Loving
In this chapter, I would like to explain that we love differently according to the person whom we are loving! The object of my love, in other words, does specify the way I love!
A Caution. Before I can explain what I mean by the ways of loving I must explain two points: the first is that by love I do not mean “like”.
All of us know what is means to like someone more than another. We, frequently, identified this feeling would love. They’re not the same. Love is the active power of giving of a person to another person with respect, responsibility, care, and knowledge.”Like” Is an emotion over which I have little, if any, control.
The distinction is extremely important. I cannot “fall in love” with someone! I can “fall in like” with him.
I really cannot stress how important this diversity of thinking about liking and loving is. Highest hat people feel terribly guilty because they did not love all people”As they were commanded to do in the Bible”. Often, they were just admitting to themselves they get along better with some then with others. Enjoy some peoples company more than they enjoy others. They “hit it off more easily with some than with others”. All of these words describe an emotional feeling– Not what I have been and am describing as love.
In love, you are in command. In “liking” you are not in command. Love – you do as an active giving. “Like” happens to you.
I’m not trying to condemn “liking”. Emotions – like “liking” – are beautiful, wonderful, part of being human; they’re not morally “right” or “wrong”.
Another caution that I must give is that there does seem to be truth in “falling in love”. The phrase is so common, so popular, so much a part of our living did this not seem right to condemn it out of hand.
“Falling in love” is correct if it means ”falling in like”. “Falling in love” is perhaps even more correct when it describes the emotional attraction between two people which can lead to their loving has two friends.
“Falling in love” is wrong, however, if it means that I am compelled to love. It is a misunderstanding if it renders me so incapable of “giving” that I cannot resist; I would simply, then, not be giving, but being painlessly forced.
I hope that you will not for yourself into a union based down “liking”. You will not overcome your separateness within yourself. You will have duped both yourself and your partner. On the other hand, if you do look like someone, that emotion can grow into a way of loving that is one of the deepest ways of loving there is– friendship [essential, I believe, for marriage].
Everyone’s Archetype of Loving
In this section, I will be giving the immediate preparation for the explanation of the ways of loving. By archetype of loving, I mean the model for the individuals love. We love according to the way we have been loved. We love according to the way we have been taught– long before we could read. As I said, we love accordingly to the way we have been loved– Unless we change (and that we can only do partially )we love according to the way our mothers and fathers have loved us!
Each of us has experienced maternal and paternal love– Even if we were orphans. I will describe what I mean in the following paragraphs. Bear in mind that I am describing an ideal type of maternal and paternal love. The ideal has never lived. Our own parents have loved us more or less in keeping with this ideal; they could not have loved that’s perfectly. They probably did love us as best as they knew how. Respect them [a quality of love] for their attempts; do not blame them for their shortcomings.
Maternal Love
Maternal love isn’t unconditional love based on the very existence of the infant. That info and cannot deserve The love you cannot produce sit, cannot earning or Mary Ted. Maternal love is the love that is without conditions. Mom says “I love you simply because you are!” Maternal loved develops from home, through nipple, two getting mom to ask for the car.
Paternal Love
Paternal love is a conditioned love. More our last at six years of age, this loved comes into its own. The child can earn it, can Mary Kay, can deserve it. The love is stirring, firm, strict. It’s says “if you do such and such, I will love you– paternally”. Paternal love is the approval of the father. The child is to be good. Return the love is a condition love.
Fusion of the Archetypes
The fusions of these loves– the maternal and paternal, the tender and the tough – is the base of any love. A person [whether mother or father, whether male or female] must mold into himself a blend of both loves. He must be tender and tough. Surely, one with may be more stressed than the other. But, each, must be present. To the extent there is that there is not a fusion of these loves, to that extent is the person neurotic. He will not be at peace within himself. He is incapable of true love!
You will love tenderly and toughly. Sometimes, one aspect is more required. Sometimes, another aspect. A father does love when he says “If.… “. A mother does love when she says “I cannot help loving you”. You will love as you have experienced love from your mother and father. You can change yourself by using the “how to love” of my final chapter and by understanding what love is and the different ways of loving, you will be loving tenderly and toughly not tenderly or toughly.
Love is Yours to Give
Love is the active power of the giving with knowledge, care, respect and responsibility. The best method I know of explaining how free you are in this definition is to preface the following section “Ways of loving” by explaining that you do not NEED an object to love [although you will always have one].
Let me explain. Loving is the active a person to a person. Someone will always be the recipient of your love. But, you aren’t the one giving. You are the one who is trying to love. As a result, it is easier to understand love by saying, “You do not need someone to love in order to love – although someone will always be the object of your love”.
Until you realize this distinction, you may not truly understand what I am describing love to be. You are the one giving. To whom? To whomever you please! To no one? Why not? [Well, there really will be someone receiving].
“Suppose someone rejects my loving?” You are still giving – the active giving of a person to a person you are still loving. So, in order to understand what love is – Think about the fact that you are so free you can give it to (as, it were) no one.
Love is yours to give, (although there will always will always be someone who is its object). You are free to give it to whomever you choose it is not any “Falling into”. It is yours to give!
Ways of Loving
Brotherly love
By brotherly love, we’re describing love among equals. It means that we admit that this person is the person and we choose deliberately to give to him with knowledge care respect and responsibility.
It is the love given to “all”. It is not based on liking someone or disliking someone. It is based on your own active power of giving. You are a person. He is a person. You give to him with the four qualities of love.
Sometimes I am helpless and sometimes he is helpless. When I actively receive from him, I am truly giving. When he receives from me, I am giving. Even if you does not accept the giving, I can love – at least tried to love – by giving.
Remember that the giving may be sharing my joy, sadness, humor, patience. It need not be a gift of money or of something. Whatever, you should be a gift of myself.
It cannot be forced. True love – whatever the object – is never the case of “have to” or “should” or “must” or “need to”; that is what I explained just previously when I explained that no object was needed to love. A lover gives. He does not have to. But he wants to give.
Assuredly, a lover can reflect that he has so much she’s able to give. Therefore, he can be happy by reflecting on his giving. That is not selfish. It is not automatic either. One must reflect on his giving in order to be happy.
The first way of loving, then, has all of mankind – just because he is human – as its object. I love “all”. Maybe, as I said, I do not like all – the way he looks, the way he slurps his soup, the color of his hair – but I can love “all”, or at least all the human beings I will meet.
Of course, I must admit that I shall be taken advantage of. Just think of how you would stare if you were to hear someone correct a waitress for making a mistake in his favor! A brotherly lover gives – even though he may be considered foolish into giving. He really is not the fool, since, in love, is peace within himself and, after reflection, is happiness.
Motherly love
The second way of loving has for you object the person who is helpless. There’s absolutely no hope that the person loving will ever get “anything” in return. The infant is helpless and cannot say thanks, cannot really actively receive.
Someone loving the helpless loves all children. He gives with knowledge, care, respect, and responsibility to all the helpless. Perhaps, the greatest trial in a mother’s life is to see her children grow up and leave home. They do not, in a sense, need this type of love and her “raison d’etre (reason for being)”, she may well think, has come to an end.
It is very traumatic for her to realize that her baby is now living on his own and does not need this is motherly love.
I use this merely as an example because the motherly love is found whenever the object is helpless. It may be in the sick, the aged, the homeless, the unwanted, the drunk. Motherly love goes out to the helpless.
Friendship
The third way of loving is friendship. Friendship finds at its object someone whom I really like. Perhaps infatuation begins to friendship. Perhaps only a longing to be with the person, to feel at home with someone else. Friendship is the epitome of love. It is the giving of a person to a person with knowledge, care, respect, and responsibility.
Finding in that person “all” and finding fulfillment in giving to that person, since no one will really meet “all mankind”.
Friendship is exclusive in the sense just mentioned. Since I can love all people only in one, I give totally to this one. It is not saying that I do not wish to give to others. I, simply, will not have the opportunity to give to all, will not have the time, the occasion, or the ability to give to all.
Friendship begins, often, with “falling in like”. It sometimes reaches a zenith in sexual relations. It often – almost always – finds its best statement in silence.
If friendship goes no further then “liking” someone, it will defeat itself. What I mean is that if friendship is mistaken for or stops nearly with Liking – weather infatuation in sexual attraction, in social commonness, or in shared interests -it is doomed to boredom. It may end up as “symbolic union” or as a ”sadistic/masochistic” union. It will not really a pain friendship and will never share the highest opportunity of man – to give to one person all that he is capable of giving.
Friendship is always new. The person knows the other better than he knows himself. But, he never knows the other completely. The reason is that his knowledge now is learned by his giving to a person. Love has, to a large extent, shared the quality of knowledge. What I mean is that my giving becomes a new source of knowledge. Then, my friend is always new, never boring, always the source for me to give, and, is thus, the font of ceaseless joy.
I believe that the best reason for marriage. It is the only sound reasoning for a lasting marriage. Marriage is based on sex, I’m coming interest, on anything except the active giving of two people – each to each other as giving to “all” – end in disaster.
Much can be stated about the qualities of friendship, about how one begins, and about how to end one – if that proves necessary. I am stating in this booklet only the barest minimum of what friendship is. It is love. It is the love for one person who might like. It is the love of brotherly Love rock to its perfection by my giving to one – since, in that one, is “all mankind”.
Friendship changes my” falling in like” into “standing in love”. It matures minute by minute in the glorious giving of a person to that one he likes.
Friendship, in the sense I am trying to explain, is the highest act of a human being. One who is a friend has brought himself to the apex of human endeavor. One who has found a friend has found the greatest gift mankind knows.
Self-love
The fourth way of loving his self-love. The object of this way of loving is the person himself. It is a self esteem. I have something to give – even if it is only a smile. I am capable of helping – only if it is only a dime. I admit that I have more than enough of something.
I us see myself enough to say that I can give. Perhaps, I have to train myself to give more. But, I, maybe, we’ll be able to give more tomorrow. For now, I can give you this – whatever it is.
I admit that. I give. I’ve reflect that I am giving with knowledge, care, responsibility, and respect towards myself. This aspect is vital to a lover. He must admit that he can love. He must give that to himself! Otherwise, he will never be able to start the method of loving. He will not be able to learn “How to love”.
This self-love is also vital for happiness. As I mentioned in talking about brotherly love and the love called friendship, one must reflect on his giving in order to be at peace and in order to be happy. This reflection is not automatic. It is something that one must do deliberately if he’s going to enjoy his loving. It is not selfish – unless someone loves in order to be happy and then he is not loving!
As we finish this section and turn to quote how to love”, it is essential that you remember what love is. Love is the giving of a person to a person with knowledge, care, respect, and responsibility. It is determined by the people whom you love: all mankind, the helpless, the person you like, and yourself.
Love is not easy. It is far more difficult than becoming at practice virtuoso on the violin or a skilled professional athlete.
But, as I said: “There is little in life worth the wear of winning, save laughter and the love of friends”.
How to love
The art of loving for the method of loving which I am about to explain is very brief. It is as difficult as it is brief. I know from years of experience and from thousands of people with whom I’ve worked that the method doesn’t work. I would explain the two sides of the active giving of a person to a person with knowledge, care, respect, and responsibility – namely, giving self and another.
Giving self
I give myself when I share some part of myself. What this boils down to is sharing my feelings and my operational wants. Often, after I have shared with these, I may go on to do something else. I may explain some knowledge that the person is interested in, I may give some time or money. Without sharing my feelings and my operational wants I simply I’m not giving myself though I maybe giving something else. And, love is the giving of a person to a person.
How do I give myself? First of all, I focus on myself at the present moment; I bring all my powers of concentration to myself. Secondly, I bring these powers to concentrate on my feelings and my operational wants. How do I feel! What do I want at this present moment that is causing me to feel as I do? I admit, thirdly, that these feelings are mine. I am the cause of them. Something that I want is influencing my feelings. No one nor anything makes my feelings[I am excluding physical pain]. For example. I may want to stay home and read. It is a bright day. I feel bad because I want to read, since, because it is a nice day, going to play tennis as I had promised. Another person may be sad because it is raining – not really, this person is sad because he wants something which the rain is prohibiting.
I give myself then by focusing on the present; by focusing on my feelings and operational wants; by owning up to my feelings and admitting that they are mine. Lastly, I give myself by being able to get a message without a demand to satisfy me. What I mean is that I do not give by “commanding”, by “questioning”, by “interjections”, etc. I give by giving my message – giving my feelings and operational wants – to another through a simple statement which puts no demands on the person to whom I am giving.
How do I give myself? Once I have rightly understood all that has preceded in this information and especially up to now in the section, I can understand the following. I give myself by a simple statement such as: “I feel good because I want to share my knowledge with you and now I can”. In this statement are my feelings (“I feel good”) and my operational wants (my desire to share knowledge).
With this first part of love is is the giving of self. I can give many things outside of myself and perhaps never give myself. If I wish to love, I will share my feelings and my operational wants with others( there really is not much more to me than that – when you think about it).
Empathy
The other part of love is empathizing with the other person. It is given by receiving the other person into myself. I think that they’re we often, this part of love comes first in human encounters, but – no matter – each is essential. Without self- giving AND empathy love is not present.
How do I empathize with another?
The steps are the same as I have explained in self giving. You stick with the person, concentrate on this individual. You stay with the person’s feelings and operational wants. You are objective. You are not responsible for the person’s feelings. If he wants something that operational one is causing his feelings. It may be that he wants you to stop seeing the other Man. But. His feelings are caused by his own wants – if you are a stranger to him, he might not care that you were dating someone else. You’re simply not responsible to order for a persons life to such an extent that you can cost her feelings or her happiness. To think that you are it’s too did not I her integrity, Heard being herself, and to spoil all chances of true love!
You empathize with another then by focusing staying with the person; staying with that person’s feelings and wants; and, being objective.
How do you do this? You change the body talk (non-verbal demands), the questions, the judgments, and/or the demands …into a simple statement. For example: “You feel sad because you want to explain why I teach poorly” the words “you” and “you” must be present. Do not exchange “you” and “I”!
Questions and Answers
This method seems artificial. It’s not for me.
Answer
What you say is true. The method is artificial. Seems even stodgy at first. But, so too does the art of typing, or playing the instrument, or throwing a baseball. Practice does make perfect. Practice will remove the feeling of artificiality which you at first experience. Practice the simple method I explained and you will experience the beautiful you who you are. You will also truly meet a person with whom you are empathizing not just me something about a person.
The method demands too much time of need. I can’t listen to others feelings nor be in tune all the time to my own self.
Answer
You’re trying to perfect yourself in the most difficult art in the world, the most difficult aren’t that man is capable of. Loving is an art much more demanding than playing the piano and a virtuoso may spend 10 or more hours daily practicing the piano. Think of any person who is good at what he does – in sports, on TV, in your work. The person has spent hours hours and hours perfecting the art he possesses.
The same is true with the art of loving. It is extremely difficult. With the constant, parlous use of the method which I have explained, however, you can master the art of a person giving to a person with knowledge, care, respect, and responsibility. It is worth the effort as is nothing else in human life.
I do not know what feelings are. I always have the same ones.
You don’t really have the rapidity of the lights movement. What you say is true, however, in this sense that many people do have trouble either distinguishing the own feelings or being able to know the multiplicity of feelings which they have. As a result, I have composed a list of feelings – positive and negative.